I read the Paper of Record yesterday. That was a mistake. Seriously. THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR A LIFESTYLES COLUMN THESE DAYS:

I was jogging a while ago. I jog, you know. I am healthy and stuff. Not like ex-friends of mine who got pregnant and super fat. GROSS.

And while I was jogging, some guy noticed my hot ass. I wanted to smack him. Not because it is sexist and offensive to tell strangers they have hot asses, but because it would give me street cred.

And you know what was really shocking about the whole thing? Not the hot-ass bit — that’s just business as usual — but he didn’t mention my breasts. THAT’S what usually attracts the attention from leering strangers. Quite an oversight, I think you’ll agree.

But I’m not the only one who’s saddled (HA! I crack myself up!) with a hot ass. Demi Moore is dealing with these issues, too. Her critics are a bunch of asses. (DOUBLE HAHAHAHAHA!) And some people are having ass surgery. That’s really sad. I mean, how could I possibly compete ass-wise with someone who has a totally unnatural ass?

This is almost like something Naomi Wolf wrote about once. It’s really awful. Feminists have criticised this trend. It’s complicated. Not like perfect breasts, because I already know that I have those. (C cups!) But what’s a perfect ass? Nobody knows! It’s tragic.

I asked a guy friend if he liked my ass, and he looked at me like I was a moron and said he wouldn’t answer that.

Excuse me: I’m going frantic with concern. Not because he might think I’m stupid: that’s not really an issue for me. But what if he doesn’t like my ass?