Reader-submitted question: I found instructions for the Christian Side Hug. Just a complete and total shot in the dark here, but could “rough riding” mean having sex in a way that doesn’t, oh, I don’t know, use the typical “entrance”, thereby preserving “virginity” or “chastity” (in some strange sense)?

AAAAAAHHHHHH.

Someone needs to explain why I never feel dirty unless I’m looking at this Christian stuff. I wonder if the person who developed those instructions started to write “I’d tap that” but decided to go with “3 or 4 blessing pats” instead.

Half a lifetime ago, I was part of a Christian teen group, in a rather loose sense. We did not side-hug. And preserving chastity in that particular way was not on the table. As I mentioned, we were a loose group. This method of back-dooring (so to speak) your virginity was not discussed or even considered.

I feel like I should give some advice to the folks who develop these religious marketing campaigns. Before going public, please Google the phrase you’re trying to make famous. It will keep you from accidentally using phrases like “teabag party”, “NOM”, “2M4M”, and “rough rider” to describe your desperate “I’M NOT THINKING ABOUT SEX!” campaigns.

Seriously, I’m not sure what’s worse: a normal hug from someone who likes to hug strangers (freaks and weirdos, the lot of them) or a side hug from someone who is so sex-crazed he loses control at anything more than a hip touch. I’d like both types of people to just stay away from me.