The third annual Being David Hasselhoff Contest is over, and the judges have returned with their decision. There are no appeal provisions. Judges, thank you very much for playing this essential role in the contest. It would not be the same without you. Winners, please get in touch with me so I can arrange for you to collect your prizes.

Judges’ comments:

Kudos to all the entrants. You made us laugh. All of you were creative. Each of you offered something unique. These were the main criteria we used in judging.

We also awarded points arbitrarily (because we can) for the shameless exploitation of a child, and for excellence in grammar, where these applied.

Two of the entrants are named Michael. To differentiate, we have styled one “Ponytail Michael” and the other “Buns Michael”.

The runners-up, in no particular order, are:

• Kyle, who received extra points for making the judges listen to Sharon Osborne complain more than once about her sweat mustache.
• Deb, who received extra points for combining a rant with being the Hoff.
• Alex, who received extra points because his paste jobs were virtually undetectable.
• Joey, who received extra points because the judges simply want to eat him with a spoon.
• Amy, who received extra points for excellent elocution.
• Clayton, who received extra points for exploitation of a child, and for remembering that brevity is the soul of wit.
• Jason, who received extra points for hugging the bowl. You made it real for us, man.
• Ponytail Michael, who received extra points for self-exploitation (although we wrestled with awarding those child exploitation points to his mother) and for displaying excellent acting chops.
• Megan, who received extra points for going first (and for partial nudity, kind of).

Third place goes to Bethany. We knew this entry would vie for the top spot when we first saw Bethany push the phone to the floor with (apparent) ennui. So Hoffian. We laughed each time we watched this video. Extra points for the shameless exploitation of a child.

Second place goes to Donn. We laughed and laughed. Donn caught the hubris that is the Hoff and turned it on its ear (or its funny bone). Extra points for good grammar (because it’s Megan’s blog, after all).

First place goes to Buns Michael. “…something for the kids…” “Does the Hoff Hang Low?” We laughed at Buns Michael’s titles until Hoff coffee came out our noses. The photo was the pièce de résistance. It all adds up to that ineffable something that winners (like the Hoff) have.