I am now following a blog from Ghana called Holli’s Ramblings. Holli recently reposted a Kenyan journalist’s commentary on the way western journalists cover African issues. I’ve decided to do my own version.

HOW TO WRITE ABOUT NORTHERN CANADA

Always use the word “Arctic” or “remote” or “icy” in your title. Subtitles may include the words “Inuit”, “Eskimo”, “Native”, “snow”, “frosty”, “24-hour darkness”, “barren” or “vast”.

Also useful are words such as “elder”, “tradition”, “overcrowded”, and “poverty”. Note that there are only two types of people in northern Canada: the Inuit, who you may freely refer to as “Eskimos” or “eskimos”, and white people who have shown up recently to rape the land. A very small subset of this last group is the Hard-Bitten Newspaper Editor, who confuses you because he’s white and yet is the only believable person around (other than elders who don’t want to talk to you, of course). Best to quote him quickly and then turn your focus back to iciness and remoteness.

Make sure that none of your photos look like they were taken in regular suburbs. Get lots of photos of kids in traditional-looking parkas and several sunsets over barren land. You’ll need some pictures of scrappy-looking dogs and run-down houses, too. Photos of elders are essential. Make sure your photos show the many lines in their faces, etched there by years of tradition, pain and government interference. (See, this stuff just writes itself.) There should be one photo of the Hard-Bitten Newspaper Editor wearing a parka, staring off into the distance, looking determined. It’s also good if you can get a shot of men banging drums. If you MUST photograph a larger centre, make sure it’s the Old Town area in Yellowknife. Even better: houseboats in Yellowknife, complete with a description of honeybags and canoes.

In your text, treat northern Canada as if it was all one region. It is cold and barren, with no way in or out except planes and no residents but Eskimos. Or it’s cold and barren, with no residents except white truck drivers who are just there for the money. Or it’s cold and treed, with no residents except Native Tribes who are trying to keep white people from raping the land. Don’t mention the word “Dene” or suggest that there are different land-claim groups; that’s too confusing. Northern Canada is big with lots of different residents and natural features, but your reader doesn’t care about that, so keep your descriptions romantic and evocative and unparticular.

Make sure you show how Native People In The Arctic eat things no other humans eat. Do not mention pizza, coffee or salad; raw frozen polar bear is a Northern Canadian’s cuisine of choice, along with raw frozen caribou, raw frozen seal and raw frozen walrus. Make sure you show that you are able to eat such food without flinching, and describe how you learn to enjoy it—because you care.

Taboo subjects: ordinary domestic scenes, restaurants, shopping anywhere other than the Yellowknife dump, residents who disagree with their Tribal Leaders’ political statements about resource development (especially the Mackenzie Gas Pipeline). Extra points if you can quote the Berger Report or Farley Mowat.

Throughout your story, focus on how ODD northern Canada is, and yet how well it works without interference. Establish early on that your liberalism is impeccable, and mention near the beginning how much you love northern Canada, how you fell in love with the place and yet feel that you’ll never really belong there. Be sure to leave the strong impression that you are a hardy adventurer and are much better than those poor sops who’ve never been north of 60.

Your characters will include “Eskimos”, white people who want to rape the land, and the Hard-Bitten Newspaper Editor, who is the only person who can really put everything in perspective. You’ll pit wise elders against corrupt politicians and Big Oil. But don’t forget that you are the main hero of this story. You’ll accompany Native People on a time-honoured traditional hunt, and they’ll smile at you, making you feel right at home in a way you’ve never felt in New York. Maybe you could hunt bowhead whales all your life after all! If you can’t afford to get out of Yellowknife, you’ll go shopping at the dump with a guy who shops there all the time, and you’ll be surprised to discover that people who work for the government shop there.

Blame the federal government and Big Oil for any of the north’s problems. But do not be too specific. Broad brushstrokes throughout are good. Your characters laugh often but are engaged in an Epic Struggle Against Forces That Are Larger Than They Are. They don’t just drink water; they’re terrified that the water is causing cancer in their tiny villages. They don’t just go to church; they’re struggling to reconcile their personal religious beliefs with the devastation the residential schools wrought upon their societies. They don’t just smoke cigarettes; they’re battling with the irony that they are addicted to this traditional medicinal herb. (Ignore the question of whether this particular “Native Tribe” ever used tobacco medicinally.)

Describe, in detail, community feasts, especially if people bring their own plates and forks. Focus on the cardboard on the floor, where elders use traditional knives to slice raw meat. If people are eating eyeballs, that’s even better. Be sure to mention your personal unease if seals are on the menu. It’s one thing to kill caribou or moose or whales, but seals? That’s going to take some getting used to. Fortunately, you are learning from Native Elders here, so you’ll be fine. Whale blubber is chewy and fatty and fishy; an unfamiliar and yet familiar taste that reminds you how people in this remote region have been living off the land for so many years.

Readers will be put off if you don’t mention the 24-hour darkness. And the sunsets. There is always a big sky. Wide empty spaces and gigantic caribou herds are critical.

Always end your story with a quote from the Hard-Bitten Newspaper Editor saying something about resilience. Because you care.