Entry #1 in the Being David Hasselhoff Contest comes from Donn, who is so awesome, he has even attracted the attention of The Devil Glitch‘s composer, Chris Butler. (As Donn not-so-subtly pointed out, I have never received a comment from Stevie Nicks.)

Hello, I’m very pleased to offer today’s thoughts on the world and what it means to me.  More specifically, I’d like to talk for a while about the world and what I mean to it.  I’m an actor, singer, sex symbol, and let’s face it — a walking, talking 21st century god among men, women, and whatever the hell it was that just won the 800 meter in Berlin.

I’m David Hasselhoff.

Sometimes people stop me on the street and they’ll say “do you ever get sick of being so damn good at everything?”  I say “no” . . . my gift is for the world, it is a burden, but I just live one day at a time, because . . .

I’m Lord David of Hasselhoff.

I remember a young fan once approached me and asked why I didn’t keep doing Knight Rider.  God, I love youthful exuberance.  I told him, as I’m now telling the world, that’s because that character was Michael Knight, and  . . .

I AM the Hoffmeister.

Sure, I skip the lines, I walk the red carpet, and when I show up at a restaurant, my table better be ready, because  . . .

I’m David “Do you know who the fuck I am or have you not owned a fucking TV in your life” Hasselhoff!

When I’m in Canada, I absolutely love listening to the CBC.  When “Your Weather” comes on, I’m impressed by the CBC’s personalized forecast . . . personalized for me!  It’s my weather and I know it.  And you should know it too, because . . .

I’m Hasselhoff, David Hasselhoff, “Double-O, Sexy”

Of course, everyone wants to know about that video, you know that video.  While lesser mortals may turn to long term solutions like Scientology, In a time of weakness I turned to my one weakness . . . my kryptonite, if you will.  Wendy’s hamburgers.  Man that Video caused me some trouble.  My daughter has shown some concern about where my abuse of beef will get me, but to this day I defend those hamburgers.  In my defense, I can only say that I may have consumed some alcohol that day as well.  Please don’t blame the hamburgers.  Sure, you might say “Hoff, why are you trying to defend the fast food industry?  Don’t you do enough?”  Again, I do it because  . . .

I’m the Capital D-Hoffster

As you may imagine, I’m often accosted by fans asking “Hey Knight Rocker!  How come your albums don’t sell as well in the US as in Germany?”  The answer is easy, the German people are the master race, that’s as true now as it was in 1944, and they have taste, discernment, and class.  What does the US have?  Brittany Fucking Crack-Whore Spears—that’s what!”  I treat it like a public service, staying in the US, giving the people a little of what they should want.  You know it, and I know it . . . what they should want is a large dose of. . .

Hasselhoff, first initial D!

The other day, when I was speaking to one of the fine young men in medical research, who apparently have quite a knack for books, but not much for being an absolute defining icon of the 80’s, he mentioned to me that he had had “an epiphany the other day.”  I replied that “if he had an Epiphany the other day I probably had her years ago.”  And why wouldn’t I have . . .

I’m vitamin H

This brings up an interesting point.  As we discuss world issues, I’m often asked what I bring to the table.  I often respond with—look, there may be CEO’s, VIP’s, MD’s, and PHd’s, there only one person with a DH, and that’s me, . . .

I’m David FUCKING Hasselhoff!

How am I with musical styles?  I’m versatile . . . it comes with being David Hasselhoff.  Whether it be Broadway, or hard rock, or covering classics like “Secret Agent Man,”  I can do it, I’m confident, and you should be too.  Why?  Because . . .

I’m “d”, to the “a”, to the muther-fucking “v”, to the “i”, to the “d”.  Hit me with a space like between your crooked ugly teeth, then an “h” and an “a” then a double “s”, “e”, and an “l” with an “h”, and an “o”, drop an “f”, and an “f”, and you see what I mean.

Someone asked me once what I thought of Donald Trump’s hair.  There was some kerfuffle at the time between him and some guy named Rosie O’Donnell.  I don’t particularly like what he’s got going on, but you do the best with what you’ve got.  His best would be the best Donald Trump can do, but as I’m sure you know . . . he’s no:

David “Best Hair in Show Business” Hasselhoff.

Strange, I’ve just learned that Rosie O’Donnell is female.  It definitely explains her taste in women.  Anyway, while I don’t condone homosexuality, I do understand why women who can’t have David Hasselhoff give up and play for the other team . . . that is, they give up and play for the other team until they are served up a frothy pint from . . .

Brewmeister Hoff!

Those are my comments, take them to heart.  When things don’t go right in your life, and you’re facing despair (perhaps even thoughts of suicide), remember these words of comfort:

I’m David Hasselhoff, and you’re not!

Strong words, indeed.

This competition is already very fierce. Can you do better? Prove it! E-mail your entry to dryas (at) theedge (dot) ca, post it in the comments section, or post it on your own blog and send me the link. THERE ARE PRIZES.

Previously on the Being David Hasselhoff Contest:

Being David Hasselhoff