Reader-submitted complaint: I think of you as the sort of person who would compile top-ten lists of sexy punctuation marks.

Where have you been all my life? How is it possible that now that I’ve found you, we’re both married? And why, oh why did I leave you off my list of Hot Babes?

TOP TEN SEXY PUNCTUATION MARKS

10. Apostrophe

Oooh, the apostrophe with its sweet little curl…how I love it. I’ve been known to take photos of errant apostrophes, but only because I adore them so much, I cannot stand to see them wander far from home.

The apostrophe makes nouns possessive. Heck, it would make ME possessive, too. This is one hot piece of punctuation.

9. Ellipsis

The shining tool in the bad journalist’s toolbox is also a mysterious little minx. Just when you think you know what she’s all about, she’ll trail off in an intriguing manner…

8. Comma

The comma may LOOK like an apostrophe, but it’s much, much more. Used correctly, commas can keep a sentence going, going, going, drawing out the tension and pulling it back, drawing it out again, then faster, and faster, and faster still, all with one small piece of punctuation that you probably never considered that way before. Yes, the comma has EARNED its place on this list.

7. Parentheses

Have you ever needed a break from a sentence that’s gotten too serious? Parentheses are the one-night stands of the punctuation world. They’re for flighty folks who can’t keep their attention on a single point until the end of a sentence. I use them all the time. I like to wrap myself in their comforting embrace, closing out the rest of the world and ignoring the main point of the sentence for just a little while. Sure, I always come back to the rest of the sentence. You can’t keep going inside parentheses for long. But still, I always find myself drawn to them again a few sentences later.

6. Colon

There’s no looking backwards with a colon. You can only go forward. The colon is the dominant partner in this little game. You don’t have a choice: you MUST do what the colon tells you to do. Look at the list. No, LOOK AT IT. You dirty, dirty girl. The second part of the sentence explains the first. Don’t try to do it the other way around. NO, READ THE FIRST PART, THEN THE SECOND. Do I have to get the paddle? I DO? Well, you’re really going to deserve it this time.

5. Ampersand

I am not convinced that ampersands are punctuation at all — I suspect that they are typography — but Dave has been lobbying for them. And now that I think about it, ampersands are very bendy. And they’re very reachy. ‘Nuff said.

4. Exclamation point

If you’re excited — and you’re definitely going to be excited if you’re thinking about punctuation — you’ll need to have an exclamation point on hand. It’ll push you past what you thought was your limit, over to the other side. It’s the peak, the end. It’s what you’re striving for.

If you’re really skilled, you can even use an exclamation point in the middle of a sentence, like this:
Lo and behold! we had already arrived.

If you can pull this off, CALL ME.

3. Question mark

Like blindfolds, mysteries are sexy. And a question mark puts that mystery right in your face. When you see a question mark, you’ll never have to wonder if there’s something you don’t know. Like the colon, the question mark is aggressive about its place in the sentence. It can knock you off your guard: just by adding a question mark, a stoic statement can be transformed into a mind-bending, uncertain sentence. Is this tall, dark handsome man a stranger or my husband? I’ll need a question mark to find out.

2. Dash

I am fond of dashes, mostly because they indicate that the writer has a flair for the dramatic. Have you ever seen a movie with a woman who rips off her hat and shakes her long, wavy hair out?

No? Just me?

Okay, then, I’ll find another way to explain what dashes do. They stop a sentence — right in the middle — and force you to pay attention. I like that.

1. Semicolon

You probably don’t think you have a chance with that Hot Babe. That’s why you need a semicolon. It will help you get together with someone who’s Way Out Of Your League. We grammar lovers call these “independent clauses”, but really, it doesn’t matter what label you want to put on yourself. The important thing is that when you think you don’t have a chance, you can try using a semicolon to join two phrases that ordinarily wouldn’t go together. HECK YEAH.