1 Samuel 1-4

Hannah is barren. Her husband’s other wife has plenty of kids, but she has none.

Hannah’s husband, Elkanah, loves her anyway. He always gives her extra meat, because he loves her and she has no kids. The other wife is a total bitch to Hannah, saying rude things until she cries and stops eating. Elkanah tries to comfort her, but it seems that he does not know his other wife is the problem. (The person who’s causing the problem is called Hannah’s “rival”, but I am assuming it’s Peninnah, the other wife. I could be wrong.)

They go to temple. Eli the old priest is there.

Hannah is sobbing and praying, and tells God that if he gives her a son, she will give him to God and not allow a razor to be used on his head. (Uh oh.)

Eli is not particularly tactful or generous, and he has his eye on her. He sees her lips moving, but he doesn’t hear what she’s saying. He assumes she’s drunk, and tells her to get rid of her wine. (Note to seminarians: This is not recommended in the modern worship context.) Hannah says she’s not drunk, just praying. Eli sends her off, and asks God to answer her prayers.

Ding! All those years of misery and barrenness, and she just needed Eli to intercede! Hannah has a baby, names him Samuel, and gives him to Eli. Later, she has five more kids.

Eli’s sons are not good role models for Samuel. They treat the offerings with contempt, demanding to eat the meat that’s sacrificed. They even sleep with the women who serve outside the Tent of Meeting. Eli’s old by now, and he’s heard rumours about what his sons are up to. He tells them he’s not happy, but they don’t listen. He’s pretty ineffective. Then a prophet shows up and declares a curse on Eli’s house: there will never be an old man in the family line, and every family member who is not cut off from the altar will be spared only to blind Eli’s eyes with tears and grieve his heart. Eli’s sons will die on the same day, and a new priest will be raised up.

Yikes. These prophets aren’t into subtlety.

It’s bedtime, and God calls to Samuel, who’s still a little boy. He thinks Eli is calling to him, but Eli eventually figures out that it’s God talking. He gives Samuel instructions about how to talk to God.

God tells little Samuel that he plans to do something that will give tingly ears to everyone who hears the story. (I love this. Listeners get tingly ears! That’s every journalist’s dream!) He tells Samuel that he’s going to judge Eli’s family.

Poor little Samuel is pretty scared. He doesn’t want to tell Eli what God said, but Eli can be pretty convincing: he says that God will deal with Samuel severely if he doesn’t tell Eli everything. (Geez. What a psycho. Hasn’t the kid been through enough?) God keeps talking to Samuel as he grows up, and everyone comes to know that Samuel is a prophet.

The Israelites head out to war with the Philistines. Yes, again. The Philistines kill 4,000 of them, and the elders try to figure out what the problem is. They decide to bring the Ark of the Covenant to protect them. Unfortunately for the Israelites, Eli’s sons are the ones who bring it.

The Israelites are really excited when the ark comes into the camp. They hoot and holler so much that the Philistines wonder what’s going on. When they hear that the Israelites have the ark, they are afraid, because people are still telling stories about the plagues that hit the Egyptians long ago. (Mission accomplished, God.) But they decide to be strong and fight. They totally defeat the Israelites, kill 30,000 foot soldiers, capture the Ark, and kill Eli’s sons.

A messenger runs back to town and tells Eli what happened. Eli’s old and fat by now. He’s sitting in a chair by the side of the road, because he’s nervous about what might happen to the ark. (He has apparently given up on any hope for his sons, and he knows who had the ark last.) When he hears the news, Eli falls out of his chair, breaks his neck, and dies.

Samuel takes over and actually convinces the people to get rid of their idols. He becomes a travelling judge, and goes on circuits to judge cases. He also picks the new king: Saul, the crazy guy from the David and Jonathan story. Hey, even the best prophets make mistakes, right?

Judges 3

Joshua is dead. This is not good for the Israelites, because he was apparently the only thing keeping them united. Their killing spree is over, so they start making COVENANTS with their neighbours. What the heck is wrong with them? God clearly told them to break down their neighbours’ altars and refuse to make peace with them. And here they are, serving other gods!

God hands them over to King Cushan-Rishathaim, presumably so they’ll see just how awful these other gods really are. It’s not clear what makes him so horrible, but after only eight years of his rule, the Israelites have decided that maybe God is the real God after all. They cry out to God, and he sends a deliverer, Othniel, who overpowers the king and rules for 40 years.

Until he dies.

The Israelites, fickle as ever, fall back into their evil ways, so God hands them over to Eglon, the really fat king of Moab, in a war. As you’ll recall from Numbers 25, the Moabites are total whores, so this is pretty awful. After eighteen years, the Israelites have had enough. They call out to God, who sends Ehud, the left-handed Benjaminite, to help.

Ehud shows up with his 18-inch sword strapped to his right thigh under his clothes. It’s straight out of Hollywood: he brings tribute to the king and sends away the men who carried it in. (Hush! Zoom right in on his face!) Ehud starts to go with them, but when he reaches the idols near Gilgal, he turns around and tells the king he has a secret message. (Cue the music.) The king sends his attendants away (DUM DUM DUM!) and Ehud walks up to him and says, “I have a message from God for you.” And POW! As King Eglon starts to stand up, Ehud draws his sword and stabs the king in the stomach. The hilt goes right into the king’s stomach, the fat closes around it, and the tip comes out his back. (Some translations say that the king poops when he’s stabbed, but I notice that this detail is missing from the NIV. The Motion Picture Association of America would probably demand that this shot be taken out of the movie version, anyway.) Ehud then leaves the room, locking the door on his way out.

Great line: “I have a message from God for you” and a quick sword-hit to the gut. I have a few people I’d like to use that on.

The king’s servants check the door and see that it’s locked. They assume he’s in the bathroom, so they wait. And wait. And wait. They wait until “the point of embarrassment.” Two possibilities here: either they’re giggling because they think he’s constipated, or they have to use the bathroom, too. I suspect the latter, because they get a key and unlock the door. (Admit it: you understand the feeling.)

By the time they’ve discovered the king’s body, Ehud has escaped. He blows a trumpet, and the Israelites follow him into the fields. His story of heroism is all they need to be united again. They cut down 10,000 Moabites and take control of the land.

And finally, there is peace.